Adoption Journey Update
I haven’t written about my adoption journey since 2015. The last time I shared I had just located and started contacting biological family. Let me catch you up on what’s happened since that time in the next few paragraphs.
In July 2015 I met my birth mom and two of my biological siblings. I also met my biological paternal grandmother and many others since that time. Most of that time feels like a whirlwind. To be honest, when I first met everyone I did not let myself process all the emotions. Any attempt to share what was happening then became impossible. Meeting biological family was exciting, scary, overwhelming, painful, and joyful all in one. Some of the relationships have flourished and some have not.
Relationships are hard enough before you throw in the added complexity of adoption. We have lived the majority of our lives separated but still bound together, forever connected through DNA. We have shared a connection but all of our experiences have been apart. Growing up I knew I had a sister from my biological father. I was surprised to learn I had many other siblings, some that are younger than my boys. This has been one of the hardest parts of my story to make peace with. Throughout my life I have mourned being an only child in my adoptive family as I always desired to have siblings. The reality that I have biological siblings that I missed the opportunity to grow up with has compounded this loss. It’s also very awkward to discuss your upbringing and parents with your siblings who have different parents and yet biologically speaking you came from the same parent.
It’s also been hard to navigate people’s roles and how to fit them into my life. I realized the complexity of this when I was speaking with my biological paternal grandmother. I was her first granddaughter, but we met for the first time when I was twenty-nine years old. I never stopped being her granddaughter even if she did not get to play that role. I realized I had to define for myself and my family what role, if any, I wanted each of these people to play now. I also had to honor my children’s view and voice in this and how they wanted to refer to people. Just like any other relationship everyone has their expectations and this situation is no different. When expectations do not align someone is bound to get hurt.
The most overwhelming piece of all of this has been the incredible acceptance I have received. The willingness for so many to welcome me without ever skipping a beat has been moving. In addition, the love and care for my husband, children and parents has been humbling. The most moving has to be my birth mom, her husband and family. They have loved and taken in my family as their own. These relationships have been so life giving and special to me and I will always be grateful for their acceptance and love.
I went from a very small family to a very large family, almost overnight. Where do you spend holidays? Who do you spend vacations with? What do your children call these new family members? How do I include my adoptive parents in all this?
Even through the complexity of it all, I would not change my decision to reach out. I have built deep and flourishing relationships with some. Some relationships I hope to continue to strive towards growing. Still others have never had a chance to start or have fallen flat. Part of my silence the last couple of years has been due to the need to process all this before I could share. The other reason would be that this is not just my story and my journey. There are pieces of my story I will not share publicly because they affect other people and would require their voices to be shared. To honor these relationships means some things cannot be shared and should not be shared with the world.
I could go on and on about the joys, pains, struggles and celebrations of adoption as I have seen and experienced them. November is National Adoption Month and I want to use this as a time to share about adoption from an adoptee’s perspective. I have a lot to say on motives for adoption, honoring adoptee stories, culture, and identity but I will share about each of these separately. If there is something in particular you want me to write about regarding my story or adoption in general, keep following and leave a comment or drop an email to let me know what you want to hear more about.
Friends from all over sent me pictures of their little girls watching as well.