REMOTELY INTERTWINED
Since writing this reaction, this relationship has flourished, but I still felt it was appropriate to keep this post up, as this was a part of the journey and my feelings during this time were real. Never-the-less a lot has changed and this does not reflect my current relationships.
It's been a few months since I sought out my biological family. Most days it's a lot to process. The reception of those I have spoke to has been filled with grace, acceptance and joy. It's brought some closure, but really more questions. Overwhelming questions that at times are too much to deal with, all while trying to maintain my life "before."
One person's response was, well nothing. Not even a few words to type the denial of communication. Just complete silence, met by actions that affirmed their was no interest. To ignore it was heartbreaking, is an understatement. To deny I have spent most days angry would be a lie, but, I was not looking for the fulfillment of unmet needs, I find my fullness in Christ and though it does not take away the pain, it has gotten me through me days, and nights. I am still seeking what to do with it, where to even begin to forgive. I wrote this with the intent to be private, on a night I laid in bed staring at my ceiling, filtering through all the new information. The response to my last post was so overwhelming and the questions of those who support and surround me continued so I feel that this is something that should be shared, not to boost my feelings about it but to hopefully help others not feel so alone and give insight to those who are curious. Lastly I do not want it to overshadow the good that has come from this and the new relationships that are being formed, for those have been blessings beyond words.
To You,
Sometimes, okay most nights I can't sleep. I wonder if you think of me?
Most nights recently, well most days too, my mind had been filled with questions that relate to you. My heart hurts, like I can't breathe, for a minute, then I stuff it back down because I am good at that. Are you like that too?
I didn’t spend my entire life thinking about you, but when I did it was consuming. Mostly when I felt alone or different. When I felt like I did not belong that's when I thought of you, desperate to fit. Have you felt like that too?
I hoped for a long time that I was a lesson for you. That you learned, grew, and became the most beautiful version of yourself after me. That close encounter of, us, made you more determined to reach your goals and pursue your dreams and be free.
Then, I had my own. Then I wondered a lot. And I hated more than ever the reminder of you. The kicks and jolts and joys and pains, do you remember?
Sometimes I wish I could forget you, but now know having my own, I never can. And that makes my pain so much more real. I remember every wrestle, every kick to my ribs, every jolt that that kept me up at night. I remember the pain, how scared I was when knew, it was time. I remember the fear of doing it wrong, the labor of pushing through. I remember feeling every moment of life being pushed out. I remember the feel of bodies separating. I remember the indescribable release of joy.
I remember never loving anyone so freely until I had my sons. Instant pure, unwilled out of control love. Did I get that from you?
It's hard not to judge. Your silence speaks so many things.
Mostly it fuels my rage. Do I get that from you?
I think of you still. It makes me feel alone. Most nights when I can't sleep.
I wonder do you think of me too?
Sincerely,
Someone who thinks of you.
In foster care, “We're not all called to do the same thing, but we are all capable of doing something” (Jason Johnson).