WHAT MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS GOT RIGHT
Adoption. I knew that I was adopted before I could comprehend what the word even meant.
I always tell individuals exploring foster care and adoption how lucky they are to have access to so many resources. I encourage them to utilize that gift well and not take it for granted; go to the trainings, read the books, pay attention to the research.
My parents adopted me 30+ years ago when the research was just beginning. My Mom has told me she wished there had been a book, a support group, something. My parents did the best they could with what tools they had and what they knew. My parents made mistakes, but being a parent myself, I know this is not unique to adoptive parents. My honesty and openness about those mistakes is shared as an effort to help those figuring it out who come after us. They didn’t know what they didn’t know, and I can honestly say they never intentionally did harm. There are some very impactful things my parents did very well, too. These are the things I want to share here and my takeaways for foster and adoptive parents.
The first thing my parents did right was tell me about how we became a family. They did this from the very beginning, as soon as they brought me home from the hospital. In a culture where it was not normal to tell your kids they were adopted, my parents were different. Although my skin and hair were pretty close to my Dad’s and people continue to be surprised when I tell them we are not biologically related, they still chose to be open with my story. My Mom would tell me, as she laid me in my crib, of the sacrifice my birth Mom had made, and because of this decision, God blessed them with me as their daughter.
Tell your children their whole story. No matter how little or big their story is before they became a part of your family, that part is just as important. Some stories are not always appropriate to be told in their entirety before a child is developmentally ready. The things you withhold should be because your child is not ready developmentally or mentally, not because you are not ready to talk about hard things. This also means if you are withholding something because you don’t want them to hurt, I would ask you, is your motivation to protect them or to protect yourself from your own discomfort? Some stories just hurt, you cannot shelter your child from this reality. As a parent now, I know this hurts and yet it’s inevitable. The best we can do with those painful parts of our kids stories is remind them how much they are loved and that we will not abandon them. I would caution you still when choosing what is appropriate and when it is appropriate to tell them all the pieces of their story. Use the filter of: is it about you or them? The story is theirs, all of it. It is better to help them see how you are with them and for them through even the hard parts than to hide or lie about who they are.
yep. there it is. a epic family photo.
The second thing my parents did right was to always honor my birth Mom. They never spoke poorly of her, they never acted like she didn’t exist or that she was somehow less important than they are. They did not degrade her choice or present themselves as better. As an adult adoptee and someone who works in foster care and adoption, I see the dramatic impact this has had on me in the best ways. It is what solidified my trust in my parents as we walked through hard questions and experiences. I knew they had been honest with the pieces of my story they knew and they never withheld anything from me.
Although it is important to be honest, do it in a way that is dignifying to all parties. The truth is important, but the truth should never outweigh grace. Some stories have ugly truths, but a story can always be told without dehumanizing another. If you struggle with this part, I would encourage you to dig in to your child’s birth family’s stories. They were children once too. Everyone has a story about how they got where they are now. What we know about pain is that no one is sparred, but some people have more resources available to them to overcome adversity than others. Birth families have suffered loss and trauma just like the rest of us. When we come to realize that we are just a few disasters away from being in their shoes we cannot help but become filled with compassion. It is rarely due to a lack of love for their children. Most often, this has happened because of a lack of family, friends, services, shelter, education, employment, and financial resources.
The third thing my parents did right was that they let my story be my story. They let me own my story as soon as I could, and however I wanted too. Because I always knew I was adopted, I freely shared about it from a young age. It is a part of who I am and a part of me that I am proud of. That gave me more freedom than I could have ever realized as a kid. It has continued to give me freedom as I navigate this as an adult.
This is where I must state everyone’s story of adoption, be it the biological family, adoptee or adoptive family, is different. The feelings surrounding adoption and the experience itself is unique for each person. Although there are at times typical themes, pains and joys, everyone walks this journey differently. It would be ignorant to assume everyone’s experience is the same; to assume because you have heard 1 or 100 stories you can predict another’s feelings, process or opinions. Even as an adult adoptee, I meet other adoptees whose feelings are vastly different than mine. Additionally, I would say listen particularly to adoptee’s and birth families voices. Adoptive parents can have incredibly insightful things to say and advice to give, but they made a choice to play that role. This does not undermine their experience, pain, and joys. Most of the time adoptees, and sometimes, birth families, did not have a choice in this matter. Therefore, their experience and journey in this is vastly different. Their voices are important and yet often are the most silenced. For your children specifically, let them own their story, this is their journey.
Lastly, just like my parents, you are doing the best you can with what you know. Do not let your mistakes be something that cripples you with fear and shame, use them as an excuse to learn, grow and do better next time. As I mentioned in the beginning, there are so many good resources out there. Go to the class, read the books and articles, ask for insight from foster, adoptive, birth parents and adoptees that have gone before you. We are not alone on the journey. Though each of our stories are unique, we travel this road together.
Here are a few book recommendations if you are interested:
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew
by Sherrie Eldridge
Growing Up Adopted by Louise Molina
In Their Own Voices : Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories
by Rita James Simon
Friends from all over sent me pictures of their little girls watching as well.